The grace is so evident these days. There’s a softening taking place, a melting into reality such as it is, and in the melting, also a rising, a search for the beauty, and signs of redemption on the horizon.
In some ways, I feel like this is as desperate as I have ever been, as though I am up against a wall, and I should be praying non-stop from the bottom of my soul for new life – new creativity – in my body, in my heart, in my mind, on every level, but I can’t summon the strength. On the other hand, I no longer believe in walls. Maybe more to the point, I no longer feel as if my prayers hit a wall. I see more above, below, and on every side of every “wall” than I ever have.
I felt, for a time there, as if faith, hope and love were silent. Intellectually, I knew they were things I wanted, things I sought to cultivate, but intellect does not go very far in the deepest matters of the heart. I’m still not entirely sure what these three powerful words mean in my day-to-day life. Can I sense them? Hold them close? All I know is that I’m letting go of a need to understand, and that now the prayers rise with gratitude. It’s free flowing, instead of a frantic scramble. I’m diving deep into faith, hope and love, and soaking in every beautiful molecule. I’m letting them permeate my skin and hydrate my parched soul.
I still sometimes feel the knot in the pit of my stomach, but just above it, in the center of my heart, love is starting to well up and slosh around. It’s been a rough road, but I’m starting to believe I’m on this journey for a reason. An expansive life is not necessarily a safe and tidy one.
Friday was one of those days where it felt like nothing will ever change, as though it has always been like this, and always will be. Then I went for a walk with a friend, at a park not far from my house where the trees rise tall all around, and the sky was clear, the moon as big as I’ve seen it for months, rising over the tops of the trees exactly at twilight, and we talked about the difficult things, the things we miss, the things we hope for, and it felt so very normal and so very special at the exact same moment. In that feeling of not being alone, my heart was able to find balance and grace, and I drove home feeling fortified, and at peace.
I’m realizing that some of the most important work we do is in the seemingly mundane. It’s in just sitting at a kitchen table, or taking a walk, or running errands together, and opening our hearts. It’s nurturing connection, growth, grace, community & love. It’s sweeping away doubt and darkness, looking together for the very best stories, the very best lessons, and the very best angles from which to view this whole life thing.
In what ways are you searching for more life in your days? Are you willing to trade a certain amount of “safe and tidy” for an expansive life? What does that mean to you? When the world feels rocky, where do you find grace and peace?
This is absolutely beautiful Becca. I connect so deeply with all that you’ve said. Grace. Oh my…grace. How blessed I’ve been to receive it and honored to give it.
I find grace and peace these days in our writer’s group…where I’m safe and loved and can spill out the darkness I carry sometimes. What a heavy load it can be! But to share it makes it lighter and much more bearable. And then to receive grace and encouragement, well, in comes healing and my ability to stand back up and walk onward.
And to read your truth here…it helps me breathe and know I’m not alone! That this journey is worth it! Thank you!!!
yes, yes indeed, so much grace. thank you for the encouragement!
I love the quote you have in the picture at the top! You’re doing a really nice job with the pictures too.
Something that I’m learning is that joy and sorrow go together. I’d like to get rid of the sorrow part, because it makes me mad, but I strongly suspect that I can’t do that without numbing myself to life. It seems like that is a lot of what you’re talking about.